Irish Rail Promises Faster Trains, Immediately Introduces Slower Ones to Lower Expectations

Irish Rail announced plans to improve journey times — by first introducing slower trains. “When we add five minutes now, we can shave ten off later and call it progress,” explained a spokesperson, unveiling a chart that looked suspiciously like a doodle of a snail.

The initiative, titled ‘Project Lower Expectations,’ includes soothing announcements, extra tea time, and a loyalty scheme where repeat lateness earns passengers commemorative timetables.

Commuters were unconvinced. “I already leave yesterday to arrive today,” said one. Another admitted the extra time had allowed him to finish War and Peace, twice.

Rail enthusiasts defended the plan, noting that slower trains reduce the risk of spilling coffee on one’s neighbour and increase opportunities to stare meaningfully out windows. Environmentalists called it a victory for patience.

Phase two promises faster services, pending the discovery of “a spare engine and the will to use it.” Until then, Ireland will glide serenely toward its destinations, eventually.